This is a request-ish thing from Homicidols who poked me on twitter, linking me to this freshly posted BiSH’s Ayuni D interview. It’s from the “beautiful girls’ interviews” series published by Shueisha’s Weekly Playboy News (ShuuPlay / 週プレ). I won’t translate the introductory paragraph, as often, since it’s useless. Blah blah the little sister character blah blah dark past. That kind of things.
Alright, so you’re one of the seven girls who has been selected to be featured in our “ShuuPlay (Weekly Playboy) Beautiful girls 2017 Selection”.
… That must be a mistake. I wonder who are the others though….
For now, I can tell you there’s also Hori Miona from Nogizaka46 and Higashi Risa from Nama Ham to Yaki Udon. As for the others… *mumble mumble* (The other four girls will be revealed in the coming days so stay tuned.)
This is bad. I’m completely… no good. Compared to this cast (laugh). I… I feel like I want to die. They’re leagues above…
Please stay alive (laugh). Anyway, could you please tell us a bit more about you?
… I’m from Hokkaido, I passed BiSH’s audition last year in June and joined the group in July.
Did you always have an interest in those kind of activities?
I did. Since I was in junior high school… I loved Momoclo. Especially Shiorin (Tamai Shiori)… She struck me with her cuteness the first time I saw her.
I see. By the way, how did you spend your junior high school days?
As a shadow.
A… shadow! … Well, isn’t there something people call “school castes”? Like a social ranking pyramid of some sort inside a class. What was your position in that pyramid?
If we start from the very bottom… Maybe slightly above the lowest rank. You know, those people who never talk to anyone else? Compared to them, I was a little bit better… I had but one friend. But every time that only friend would be absent, it was really bad. I’d become invisible. Basically, I’d just lie on my desk.
What did you after classes ended and you were back home?
After school, I jumped straight on my computer. And did nothing but surf the internet. Even on my days off, it was like that 12 hours a day, while thinking things like “Why is everyone enjoying themselves and I’m not?”. Oh— ! But I just remembered, I was also in a club. I played badminton. That was fun.
Eeh? How could you forget?
I don’t have many memories. And I don’t like taking photos so I didn’t take any, even now in my phone I only have one. Even when I do take some, I delete them because I don’t want to keep them. Anyway… I was in that club from my first year of junior high through my third year. That only friend I had was with me. I just remembered that.
… So you really deleted all of your memories and photo yourself.
I blush really easily. Since moving to Tokyo my personality changed, but I truly couldn’t talk with strangers at all before. I’d become red even simply from being asked a question by the teacher, and I’d suddenly sweat a lot. It’s been that way ever since I was little.
By the way, you said you were constantly browsing the web, what did you do?
I was on YouTube or read news on 2ch. I also watched videos on NicoNico Douga. Those were either dancing video or Vocaloid musics. Oh and, do you know about “MiriShira”?
Aah, those “I tried to dub ◯◯ even though I don’t know a single thing about it” videos, right? Where people would dub a scene even though it is their first time seeing it. It used to be very popular.
Those were so fun I watched them all the time. There were some where a foreigner called Dave was cooking. Whenever I watched them, 12 hours had passed before I knew it. But even if someone else at school had watched those videos as well, I couldn’t bring myself to talk to them. And I’d end up blushing.
Did you blush because you felt like “Ah, the video they’re talking about, I saw it as well but I can’t talk to them” and stressed over it? Or because you thought “What am I even supposed to say? What’s wrong with me?”
That would be both…
Even with that kind of school life, how was it? Did you enjoy it?
I probably didn’t enjoy it so much… I was always thinking “I want to graduate”, “I want to enjoy a fun high school life!” (laugh).
So then, how was the high school life you dreamed about? Did you discover some new fun things?
No, actually I became completely isolated. That only friend I had went to another school. I didn’t even join any club… But this was a school where you had the right to bring your phone so I was hooked to it. People would say things like “she’s friend with her phone” or “she’s a shadow (gloomy person)”.
It’s not like people actually talked to me, but they’d call me “The phone girl”. Ever since I entered high school, I’d go back home immediately after classes and cry. That’s the kind of life I had. I couldn’t make any friend, and school was hard. I would eat, then cry, then repeat…
With no friend to talk to and nothing better to do, I figure you’d simply be left with daydreaming.
That’s right. I did.
What were you thinking about while doing so?
I often imagined some terrorists attacking the school. Like we’d have to play tag against people fully armed. My seat was next to the windows, in the front row, but I dreamed of people breaking through the back row’s windows making loud noises.
A wild armed-terrorists gang appeared!
Then, I’d look back— and the other students behind me would already be dead. I’d fly out of the classroom, and then fight back.
Ah so you wouldn’t be playing hide-and-seek but fighting.
I wouldn’t be able to do it in real life, but I was imagining myself breaking a desk’s leg to turn it into a weapon, sharpening it. Then with some skilled and agile moves, I’d beat the terrorists.
Huh! But wouldn’t the terrorists happen to have some kind of protections? You would be aiming at the gaps?
Yes. Wall-running. Do you what parkour is? This thing where people freely run around the city with amazing movements. There’s this movie called “YAMAKASI”. The actors’ movements were so cool in it. I’d copy their moves, burst into the classroom and beat the terrorists down. But then there would be like an army in the gymnasium, coming at me one by one. I’d beat them all eventually, but everyone except me would already be dead.
What about the teachers?
The teachers’ head would explode. One of them would cowardly hide into a locker, but thinking “everyone has gone away”, he would then go out and get killed on spot.
There’s nothing really cowardly about it though (laugh). The people calling you “phone girl” would also be dead, right?
That’s right. I was also imagining the same thing back in middle school, but my friend would also be left alive and we would be fighting together.
And at the end, does your army win?
It never got an ending. Everytime I would think up this story, the lesson would already have ended. It was really fun to dream about this when I was in middle school, it made time fly by a lot. It was even better than sleeping in class… That’s the first time I talk about all of that.
Thank you very much for the scoop (laugh). But once you’d be back on earth, the truth was, you were alone, had nothing and cried every day.
I didn’t like this part of me. But I couldn’t change myself. Even if I wanted, I couldn’t. I cried all the time. I would meet up like once every two months with my middle school’s friend and play. She resembled me, so we would always be talking about things like “I want to quit school. I want to disappear”.
“Unless either the world changes or I do, nothing will”, right? But, why did you think you couldn’t change yourself?
It was like,”nothing will ever change here”. That’s why I thought I’d move to Tokyo no matter what, once I became an adult — And if I did, things would change. After all, being in Hokkaido was no good. Even my friend thought the same thing, she wanted to live in Tokyo in the future. My parents agreed as well, and told me “yes you should, yes”.
Hearing all of that, it’s hard to think someone like you would join a showy group like BiSH.
I always liked them… But I gave up, thinking there was “no way I could be one of them”. But, if I went to Tokyo, maybe something would happen. I was spending my days thinking “those kind of activities are impossible for me. But I still want to do it.”. It is at that moment that BiSH started auditioning for a new member. When I saw that on twitter, I sent in my application form even though I thought there was no way I’d ever pass. I even wrote unexpected things like “even if I vomit on stage I will keep dancing no matter what”.
Why would you write that!? You’d keep dancing even if you vomited? That’s a lie right?
It is. I don’t know, I just thought I should write things that showed your motivation. Also, you had to take a photo of yourself on your own. I did my best, but since it was my first time doing so, I ended up taking one with a serious expression, face-on. Thinking about it now, I really want to erase that. I want to retake it.
But there would be no point in retaking it now. You passed after all. So, after you passed the paperwork, you went to Tokyo.
Yes. This was my first time going out of Hokkaido. I joked with my sister, telling her “I won’t be accepted anyway but I might as well visit Tokyo”. Then I asked my parents about it, and they immediately authorized me saying “You’ve never been to Tokyo, go have a look.” It made me happy. I did my best, looked up everything like the planes or the directions, and went alone.
How did you feel while inside the plane?
I was excited. I was a bit scared but couldn’t wait to see Tokyo. But when I arrived in the assembly hall, everyone was so well-dressed and cute, I kept muttering things like “why did I even come here”, “I want to die, I want to die, I want to go back, I want to go back”. The level was too high.
And then, how did you do on the interview?
I was so nervous, I even forgot how to properly introduce myself when I got told to do so. Then, since I wrote I liked Ghibli on my application form, they told me to sing Totoro’s song. I did so acapella. But I didn’t think it was a really proper song to judge my singing abilities…
So, I thought I had definitely failed. I went back home without even stopping to Akihabara nor anywhere else. I regretted spending my parents’ money being unable to do anything. I thought maybe the plane would explode while I rode it.
But in the end you passed. And you actually were the only one who did.
When the producer Watanabe called, I thought “aah, so it must be that lots of people are joining” — “they’re going to hold another audition”. But I was wrong. Even now I still wonder why I was the one chosen. People on internet are also saying “why is she the one who got in?”.
Ah… so you look yourself up (laugh). So, once you entered, how was BiSH?
At first I thought there was no way I could go along with the others. That it’d be impossible. But little by little, I started talking with them a bit, and became friend before I knew it. My personality changed as well.
Both the world and yourself changed, in the end.
That’s right. In the beginning I couldn’t talk at all. I cried every night. Then, the day after, I’d wake up and make up my mind, full of thoughts like “today, I’ll definitely talk”, “I’ll definitely make the first step”. I became able to do things I would never have been able to back in middle or high school. A member told me: “this is your job after all”. Those words struck me. It was no good if I received money but couldn’t talk.
Apart from the members, I didn’t make any other friends, but I had to change for that to happen. I had never made any efforts up until then.That’s why my life changed in 2016. I spent all my time learning dances and songs, it was hard but fun. There were so many things to take in, it was harsh. But I virtually didn’t have anything in my life up until then so I have no words to express my gratitude. I only lost my free time, with only a couple of hours to space out now.
Did you stop imagining people dying?
I stopped. There’s too many things I have to remember and things I have to do to think about instead. It feels a little bit lonesome. But, since the rest is fun, I’m enjoying myself now. I even became able to talk about the past like that and am having fun.
That’s good to hear. What’s your goal for 2017?
I’d like to build some self-confidence. Since I don’t have any. I wonder how I could do that.
You should envision how you’d ideally want to be. For example, can’t you imagine a person that’d make you think “I want to become like her”?
There’s this “Nakamura Sawa” girl I love in the manga “Aku no Hana”. She says whatever she has on her mind. She’s cut off from the rest of her class, but she doesn’t mind and live in her own world. I think I’d like to become like her. I look up to her even now. I’d like to resemble her. It’s totally impossible though…
But back then, you thought you wanted to change your life in Tokyo, and as a result, both your world and yourself changed. So you may be able to keep changing even more.
Yes. Thank you very much. I’ll do my best.